You know I'm no good...Settle for a draw?

So red lights mean doors are secured.
Nothing is ever as simple as a stop sign
when did red become the color for no?
Red dress...
Red light
Hmm...

Don't tear me down like roger moore...
I keep thinking
About all these diffrent women from the past.
Somehow I cannot shake the feeling that after so many tries maybe I'm the one thats broken
like, fully, compleatly, ducttape no longer holding, kite string, superglue and cigarettes no longer fixing the problems. The deeper we dive the less air in our lungs and the richer the nitrogen gets. A breath of fresh air in a burning building. Trendy but tense, a black mark on your brand new converse, a broken lase on your rebok classics. its a funny thing. A ray of sunshine in a hole in a pich black cave. understanding in the most minimal of ways. I won't go anywhere from here... I cannot change this craft of which I have become. A table with 3 legs, a chair missing an armrest, a stool with mismached lengths on the legs. The running boards don't line up, the glaze has run, the pottery is chipped and the drawing is smudged. there is no fixing this problem. This is well beyond a patch job, the car cannot be fixed, break it down and sell it for scraps.

You cannot ask for a draw when the battles already lost.
The pretty little vistors with lies on their lips casualy speaking as everything goes up in flames.

I wan't to start a revolution, but its best to leave it all alone.

troublesome trepidation temptingly thought throughlly tonight. Twice taught, twas totally thoughtless.

I know I said I wasn't sad to see her go, but of course I was.

Oh but how good she looked on the dance floor... the lights, those eyes.
Cold as a knife,
warm like a furnace
I don't know what they were looking for.... but I could feel them size me up, spit me out and i'll be damned if she didn't know my lack of a soul... and if I could feel dispare I would have.




but its all good, its all alright.
Tonight I came alive.
Tonight I have the eyes of a saint
the tongue of the devil
and a mind like a curse.
I can be cold like a knife
hot like a stove
Watch as I walk this line
Never wobbling, ever closing
open to the changing.


If you don't want me to hate you... never show me your bed.
Temptation is a curse I cannot ever bring myself to hate.
I've given up on sparks.
I aim for lightening.

I'd go to heaven for the weather, but I went to hell to sell my soul. Everything I could ever be, and everything I am is diffrent than what anyone would expect. Never guessing, never wondering, simply acting. I can show the world fire, lightening, chaos, ice, wind and destruction, but never do I. I feel the drive of immortatlity. I can see inside, see exactly what I'm made of, and if I could be scared I'm sure I would be. But never the less, I thrive in the chaos. I don't break down, I don't stop, I neither faulter nor fail, flag, flail or come close to stopping.

The more you read this, the more you lose your grip on reality, the more my mind opens inside of yours...

Scared yet?

You fucking should be.
This horse cock loving bullshit of an existance is futile and thrilling. Eat healthy, Die. Exercise, Die. Worry, Die. Fight, Die. Fuck, Die. Cower, Die. The race ends in death. The path does not lead to salvation but damnation. The highway to hell is filled with stop and go traffic, and the pavment is made up of good intentions.

Drink up my friends, the end isn't changing.

Existintialism on Prom night?

So, I've recently found a semi-depressing band, but they're super upbeat about it hahaha...

with lines like 'heres to all the pretty words we'll never speak, and all the pretty girls you're going to meet'

I kind of like the idea of having depressing lyrics but an upbeat song...

The basic idea of having two diffrent tones to one song is trippy indeed... like a song thats scarry and happy at the same time, energentic and slow, slow and energetic...

like an acoustic song with vocals that don't quite mash up in the way you'd expect...

Thats what I've always loved about the blues. The blues having blues.

So I worked a long day today, and it was interesting, seemed to go by in no time flat... and I kind of like that.

I have tomorrow off and more things to do than I care to think about it...

its all the good that wont come out of it.

its in all how you mix the two.

There is this line between good and bad, sweet and sour, spicy and salty...

You'll never find the perfect mixture if you're looking for it... its all about random happistance. You cannot find the answer, the answer is the question,and the question?  the question is the road you take to find the answer.

My words are fading from my mind faster than I can leave them on this blank parchment, sending them scrolling across the screen and flying off into the infintismial abyss of the world wide web.

I feel like wasting my time is time well spent. I'd rather waste time with someone special than do the most productive things on the planet.

Sure I could cure world hunger and promote world peace, but... thats never been my style... I'd rather find infinantly bad ideas and act on them at the whim of nothing.  I'm thinking that when/if I get this new job... I'll start setting aside a fairly decent portion of each paycheck towards adventure.

I say adventure and not a destination because I won't even know what, when, or where. I'm thinking of a point on a map that doesnt exist.

note cards with ideas, mixed with dice that line up to activities. all things left to chance, perhaps thats how you find happiness in this world, let the universe decide...

As for the band?

Like a memory of what it felt like to burn.

I'm incompleate.

Everything feels numb, and hollow. Its the rush of air at your back while standing on the edge of a building. The feeling of falling when you're laying safe in bed. The crushing weight of sleep that never fully comes. Something that is fully intangeable and hard to explaine. A driving force that brings everything to the forefront. I know that the ocean is deep, but trying to understand is like trying to breathe life into a rock. Trying to grasp the sunlight. this is what I feel. This unfeelable force. This preasure all around me, baring down, burning away all that which is right and wrong and leaving a husk of driftwood, awash in a sea of emotion, under a sky of bloodred.


I know who I am. But who I am isn't what I know. I know who I was, who I can be, who I might be. I have thoughts and memories that are not mine. When I look back on my life, I wonder how much of it is really mine. Its like an episode from a favorite TV show... all the characters you know and love in a story thats all too familiar but it never feels real, and when it does, the real world feels some how less substantial.

I tried to be the one that everyone wanted me to be.
I tried to be better than what I ever could be.
I tried to be loved by everyone
Where has that gotten me?

I can feel myself ripping to pieces. I feel unsightly. I feel that the driftwood is slowly becoming smaller, sinking in this ocean of time. Washing in a sea of salt spray and tears. I am sick. I am free. I am trapped. I am lost. I am found. I am nothing. I am everything.

I seem to find myself cursing my reflection as I praise my form.

I am so terribly homesick for some one I have never known. I am miss the places I have never been. This ever changing landscape of trees, the forest cannot be seen from the mountain top. The sky obscured by the clouds. Unruffling thoughts meandering in a mind addled by loss of feeling.


I recently turned a new leaf. I reached another year of life. twenty four years and not a single accomplishment to call my own. Everything I have done I have done for others. I have never found the one thing I want. I have never found the place I feel truely myself.

5,4,3,2,1. I can feel myself burning from the inside out.
Spontanious combustion brings more warmth than dousing myself in gasoline.
Going down in flames. But enjoying the view as I fall from the top.

Fuck.
Shit.
Cock, and
Balls.
Can you drown in your own thoughts?

Can something be so good that its bad?
How quickly can medicine become poison?
Can the devil be a saint?

Only sinners can become better men.
Does that mean only angels and saints can fall?
What hope does that leave for a man of level ground?
When the worst can rise and the best can fall, is anywhere safe?
Is it safe to stay grounded?
Can that too not open up underneath someone and crumble away.


What happens when the bite is worse than the bark,
the sound doesnt scare, but the skin breaks under the teeth.
Wonton will and rages of anger that wonder endlessly.

I am a nomad, wondering in my own mind.

When I parrish, scatter my ashes on the 4 winds, into the 7 seas, and off the highest peaks.

Drink up me-hearties. Yo. Ho.

A return to being comfortably numb.

Well now!

What a week what a week. I've been stressed like nobodys buisness and it all finaly snapped lastnight. but I feel amazing today, compelatly free of all the things I was afraid of. It is nice to finally have answers when the thoughts keep you up at night.

So, as many of you know (all of the 3 or 4 people who ever actually read this drivil) I don't really feel much.

That might be why matters of the heart are always so much more daunting to me. I normally avoid feelings, of any sort, for the simple fact that life is easier when you really just don't care about anything.

See, when the strongest pain you can feel is a broken heart, all other things (which by comparison might seem bad to most, but non-existant to me) kind of make it an awaking feeling.

When you find someone you really like. That you really enjoy their company, and learning more about them, and their past, what makes them tick etc. Thats when things get sketchy. Seemingly thats when things go good, but never for me. See, I'm what you call the patron saint of lost causes. I always seem to get caught up on things I know will never happen but try my damndest anyway just on the .001% chance that things might go diffrently.

I'm a gambler by nature, and you can either play the odds or the long shot. One will let you win, over and over again... but to no real effect, or you can hold out, hoping to cash in on that massive payday that makes all the failed dice rolls seem meaningless because for once everything works out and it makes it.

Thats how I like to look at life. Everything is a dice roll, you might come up with a 2, 3 or 4... but every now and then you'll roll lucky and get that ever sought after 7 or 11. its not like flipping a coin where you get good odds. This is a 1/6 chance of doing well. I myself don't like 11... so its still a loss even if its a win. 7's the number for me.

7 is a lucky number, a winning number. I keep rolling these dice. time and again hoping for that 1/12 shot. Hoping i'll finaly strike paydirt. gold. black gold. Make all the countless other rolls seem pointless beyond measure.

Nevertheless it never quite happens. I would say I've been close, but that was a 6. I'll say I was damn close, but that was an 11. Good, but still not what I'm going for.

Things are never really what the seem. its all in perspective. They've got this sappy ass country song that was popular years ago... "God bless this broken road" or some bullshit, about how this guy basically got his feelings crushed over and over all until he met this one woman worth it all. That's what I'm going for now.

And eveyrtime I feel I've found it. Bam! Broken road. dead end. Fork. Bridge is out. yadda  yadda yadda. Bullshit.

I.A.B.

Its all bullshit.

These things we call relationships? they hardly ever work out. I know of 3 couples that are TRUELY happy. and they're from a diffrent era. Things don't work the way they used to. Now people are so caught up in the rat race it makes me a relic. I'm a people person, I enjoy being around others and knowing new people. I enjoy talking to strangers. Which makes me an outcast. If you talk to someone on the bus, they look at you like you're crazy. If you do it at a bar, or a club, they think you're trying to get into their pants (which sometimes yes. that is the case)

With the smart phones, and ipods, and all this fucking techbullshit. we're getting away from what really matters. Connections between people


sure we're all socially networking, from the phones we pay attention to instead of the road. The computers we use, instead of going out and seeing people.

its nice to know that steve just took a huge dump on his friends cat, but honestly, I'd prefer steve call me up laughing his ass off and  say "dude! come see what I just did!" instead of simply taking a few pictures and sending them.

Its all good though.

This is how I like to be.

I like the idea of being a throwback.
I like the idea of being the last person that truely gets what it is to be a stranger.
I like the idea of going to places where nobody knows my name, and changing that fact.
I like the idea of getting my heart broken
I like the idea of feeling something for once.
I like the idea that no matter what I do, nothing will really change.

Because when that happens, nothing I say or do really matters. I can be, as I am...
I can say all the right things
I can do all the right things
I can be all the right things.
and it really, honestly, truthfully, compleatly doesnt fucking matter.

Because Nobody. Nobody. Nobody. wants what is right, they want the wrong way.
The wrong path.

They want to get cold feet and run. They want to know that everything is going to be great, but freak out at the idea of something new and diffrent. They want to avoid feelings on the off chance they'll get hurt. They want to run, hide, avoid and dodge everything that has to do with really opening up. They'd rather do what they always do, see too many people, feel alone and scared, have 4 people they can call, that might make them feel better, but none that would really do anything of any good to help. They want that solitude.

I'm not sure why... but thats what I've found ***speaking generally***

Every single woman I've ever dated is this way. All of my female friends are this way. All of my male friends are this way. Maybe I think too much into it... but at the end of the day... Everyones a trackstar when it comes to the heart. The rabbit running the race, when slow and steady gets you to the same place, but its more scenic. you get to enjoy the company of others, sure it might not work... you may not win. But on the chance you do... its because you didn't run for once... you took your time and saw what the path really had to offer, instead of sprinting past it.

And so ends my rant... I feel tons better, especially knowing that anyone/everyone who reads this will for sure know I'm compleaty off my rocker now.


I'm surprisingly alright with that...

Drink up me-hearties. Yo-ho.

So this insomnia is getting to me.

I can feel the edge of the world. I can taste the salt spray of oblivion on my tongue as the waters fall to the abyss.  With each passing second I am reminded that time is trivial. Something invented to quell the hearts of men and try to feed order into chaos. The depths of understanding are wrong. Time is not linear. Time is non-existant.  We birthed time to suit our own needs. Always rushing always fighting for a few extra seconds of an existential existance.  When it is time that we need it is time that we kill.

The depths of understanding are topical at best. Fire is hot, so it burns. but matter can neither be created nor destroyed. Fire does not burn, it frees. The first understandable and useful form of plasma, creating a bridge between that which is solid and which is intangiable. Water, by deffinition is non-acidic. yet it takes a peace of everything it touches. with enough time water changes the whole world. erodes, scapes, slices, destroyes. The whole planet bends to its will. Everything living bends to its will.

How can two things change so much of the human understanding? Water, and time. Time and water. perhaps they are the same. Time is a fluid. like a puddle. We're not moving in a line but sinking through an ocean. We are the pebble dropped into the pond, though we do not know it. if the pond is deep enough eventually the pebble will erode away. Stop existaning for all extensive purposes. Bits might live on, lingering in the ebb and flow of the puddle. But the pebble is no longer whole, no longer what it was. The second it touches the water it slowly fades.

That is time. We are all pebbles sinking in a maddingly deep pond. longing for rest. We fall ever slowly through the puddle of time losing a bit of our selves every second and minute. the deeper we fall the less time we are whole.

Time is not a line, but an ocean.

The strongest force on the planet, changing everything it touches.

We're all drowning slowly, and we don't even know it.

The lies that blind us are the truths that bind us.

So, I know its been quite a long time since I've posted on this evil ass son of a bitch, but to be totally fair, my laptop crapped out on me and as such I was left with no real option for ranting about my feelings to anyone... especially the wide world of the internet.


Blogosphere of doom and what have you not.

So to say a lot has happened in the last few months (about 2, give or take) would be a gross missrepresentation of the truth. damn near fallicy.

I've made friends, lost friends. Had people I thought were friends. had people I thought hated me turn out to like me, people I thought liked me actually hate me, and all in all its been a wonderous little adventure. You live each day as if it is going to be your last and love every single second of it. Never look back, never give up, never surrender. Live like you're dying, because in all honesty... you are.

Today my brother posted something on his FB about "today is the first day of the rest of your life" well... thats hauntyingly over used, and all too familiar as well. To be honest, yesterday was the last day of your life, and eventually the last day of your life will be a yesterday, weather or not you;'re still kicking ot see it.


So, all in all these always end up being about women, and for anyone reading, I apologize profusely for that... Just... I'm a romantic at heart and tend to fall in and out of live with the best and worst of them. The newest being damn near perfect (They say nobody is perfect, but if she has a flaw I've yet to notice it...)

Anyhow, nevertheless and what have you not.

There is a woman, she's tall, gorgeous, brown/red hair, the most stunning eyes I've ever seen and for all intensive purposes... I believe she truely likes me... (though aside from specific parts of my physical body, I cannot fathom why)

And as such I'm fairly happy with the world and life as I know it. Works a drag (I fully expect to be saying that well past the day of my demise) my friends are scarece (have been since we all started dating and working though... because we are never single at the same time, thus never have enough time between school, work and dating to hang out) Though I have talked a few of them into a night at the bars, ,to catch up, be what we were years ago and relax. .

So for a night/afternoon I will get to sit and think of days gone by, when life was simple, responsibilty was nill, and everything went according to plan. Oh how that plan as strayed, faulted, detoured and changed over the past two months.

Again, right now I have 3 things going for me....

I have a fairly decent job, with people that (for the most part) I enjoy being around.
I have good friends, that no matter what, when or where I know will be there.
and I've got hope.
Granted this hope is in the form of a stunningly beautiful (way out of my league) woman, who
if she ever read this would probably think I'm bat shit crazy...

but yes. I like her.
I like her a whole hell of a lot.
To the point I honestly don't want anyone else. Not even the one that I thought was the love of my life.
The sex is beyond amazing (Best. I. Have. Ever. Had.) And from what I hear she talks about me all the time.

I don't see how a fucked up, cursed, damned and all together horrible soul of a person could ever be this happy. Somethings about to happen to fuck it up. Damned if I'm not sure of it.

I've sinned far too much in this life to find peace.

My new name is Tien. It means candle in Thai. its a symbol of light, and hope in buddhisim.
Perhaps this woman can be my lifght, my home and my salvation.

All I know is that all of my scars remind me of days gone by, times that I have been less than savory and I wonder if people really ever do truely change. even if only 1 in every 1000 change... can I be that one? Can I leave these demons behind me and hope for something better? or should I just curse myself into hermitude, perhaps through myself into work as I have so many times before dissapear for days, weeks, months, years. Sever all ties that bind?

when I'm around here, I feel like a better man, I sleep without the dreams of what has been, and I wish to be even better still for her.

18 days till the day I either die, or celebrate another year of life.

Drink up me hearties (I know I shall)

Yo. Ho.

WHAAAAAATTHEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKK

Ahh... well, My world is interesting to say the least...

Apparently they're coming out with new 3-D phones eventually...

I just imagine a lot of dumb people freaking out over this... driving down the road, look at their phone 'ZOMG TIGER111~!!!1!!11!" and then they die by exploding or something random...

that would not be cool...

But then again... the way it all goes about, I would imagine that everythings pretty twisted... say, if you're attacked by a lion while out and about in the wild, survival of the fittest, if they kill ya... well thats Darwinisim at work...

Anyway, so I've kinda been dating this woman, she's pretty much awesome HOWEVER, I could very well be barking up the wrong tree...

Or I could end up with two significant others... both of which is messed up...

but oh well, if it happens it happens... if not it doesnt... either way... oh well...

Alright time for a Starbucks run...

also, I'll try to write more... instead of being dead tired all the time hahaha...