So, I know its been quite a long time since I've posted on this evil ass son of a bitch, but to be totally fair, my laptop crapped out on me and as such I was left with no real option for ranting about my feelings to anyone... especially the wide world of the internet.
Blogosphere of doom and what have you not.
So to say a lot has happened in the last few months (about 2, give or take) would be a gross missrepresentation of the truth. damn near fallicy.
I've made friends, lost friends. Had people I thought were friends. had people I thought hated me turn out to like me, people I thought liked me actually hate me, and all in all its been a wonderous little adventure. You live each day as if it is going to be your last and love every single second of it. Never look back, never give up, never surrender. Live like you're dying, because in all honesty... you are.
Today my brother posted something on his FB about "today is the first day of the rest of your life" well... thats hauntyingly over used, and all too familiar as well. To be honest, yesterday was the last day of your life, and eventually the last day of your life will be a yesterday, weather or not you;'re still kicking ot see it.
So, all in all these always end up being about women, and for anyone reading, I apologize profusely for that... Just... I'm a romantic at heart and tend to fall in and out of live with the best and worst of them. The newest being damn near perfect (They say nobody is perfect, but if she has a flaw I've yet to notice it...)
Anyhow, nevertheless and what have you not.
There is a woman, she's tall, gorgeous, brown/red hair, the most stunning eyes I've ever seen and for all intensive purposes... I believe she truely likes me... (though aside from specific parts of my physical body, I cannot fathom why)
And as such I'm fairly happy with the world and life as I know it. Works a drag (I fully expect to be saying that well past the day of my demise) my friends are scarece (have been since we all started dating and working though... because we are never single at the same time, thus never have enough time between school, work and dating to hang out) Though I have talked a few of them into a night at the bars, ,to catch up, be what we were years ago and relax. .
So for a night/afternoon I will get to sit and think of days gone by, when life was simple, responsibilty was nill, and everything went according to plan. Oh how that plan as strayed, faulted, detoured and changed over the past two months.
Again, right now I have 3 things going for me....
I have a fairly decent job, with people that (for the most part) I enjoy being around.
I have good friends, that no matter what, when or where I know will be there.
and I've got hope.
Granted this hope is in the form of a stunningly beautiful (way out of my league) woman, who
if she ever read this would probably think I'm bat shit crazy...
but yes. I like her.
I like her a whole hell of a lot.
To the point I honestly don't want anyone else. Not even the one that I thought was the love of my life.
The sex is beyond amazing (Best. I. Have. Ever. Had.) And from what I hear she talks about me all the time.
I don't see how a fucked up, cursed, damned and all together horrible soul of a person could ever be this happy. Somethings about to happen to fuck it up. Damned if I'm not sure of it.
I've sinned far too much in this life to find peace.
My new name is Tien. It means candle in Thai. its a symbol of light, and hope in buddhisim.
Perhaps this woman can be my lifght, my home and my salvation.
All I know is that all of my scars remind me of days gone by, times that I have been less than savory and I wonder if people really ever do truely change. even if only 1 in every 1000 change... can I be that one? Can I leave these demons behind me and hope for something better? or should I just curse myself into hermitude, perhaps through myself into work as I have so many times before dissapear for days, weeks, months, years. Sever all ties that bind?
when I'm around here, I feel like a better man, I sleep without the dreams of what has been, and I wish to be even better still for her.
18 days till the day I either die, or celebrate another year of life.
Drink up me hearties (I know I shall)
Yo. Ho.
