A return to being comfortably numb.

Well now!

What a week what a week. I've been stressed like nobodys buisness and it all finaly snapped lastnight. but I feel amazing today, compelatly free of all the things I was afraid of. It is nice to finally have answers when the thoughts keep you up at night.

So, as many of you know (all of the 3 or 4 people who ever actually read this drivil) I don't really feel much.

That might be why matters of the heart are always so much more daunting to me. I normally avoid feelings, of any sort, for the simple fact that life is easier when you really just don't care about anything.

See, when the strongest pain you can feel is a broken heart, all other things (which by comparison might seem bad to most, but non-existant to me) kind of make it an awaking feeling.

When you find someone you really like. That you really enjoy their company, and learning more about them, and their past, what makes them tick etc. Thats when things get sketchy. Seemingly thats when things go good, but never for me. See, I'm what you call the patron saint of lost causes. I always seem to get caught up on things I know will never happen but try my damndest anyway just on the .001% chance that things might go diffrently.

I'm a gambler by nature, and you can either play the odds or the long shot. One will let you win, over and over again... but to no real effect, or you can hold out, hoping to cash in on that massive payday that makes all the failed dice rolls seem meaningless because for once everything works out and it makes it.

Thats how I like to look at life. Everything is a dice roll, you might come up with a 2, 3 or 4... but every now and then you'll roll lucky and get that ever sought after 7 or 11. its not like flipping a coin where you get good odds. This is a 1/6 chance of doing well. I myself don't like 11... so its still a loss even if its a win. 7's the number for me.

7 is a lucky number, a winning number. I keep rolling these dice. time and again hoping for that 1/12 shot. Hoping i'll finaly strike paydirt. gold. black gold. Make all the countless other rolls seem pointless beyond measure.

Nevertheless it never quite happens. I would say I've been close, but that was a 6. I'll say I was damn close, but that was an 11. Good, but still not what I'm going for.

Things are never really what the seem. its all in perspective. They've got this sappy ass country song that was popular years ago... "God bless this broken road" or some bullshit, about how this guy basically got his feelings crushed over and over all until he met this one woman worth it all. That's what I'm going for now.

And eveyrtime I feel I've found it. Bam! Broken road. dead end. Fork. Bridge is out. yadda  yadda yadda. Bullshit.

I.A.B.

Its all bullshit.

These things we call relationships? they hardly ever work out. I know of 3 couples that are TRUELY happy. and they're from a diffrent era. Things don't work the way they used to. Now people are so caught up in the rat race it makes me a relic. I'm a people person, I enjoy being around others and knowing new people. I enjoy talking to strangers. Which makes me an outcast. If you talk to someone on the bus, they look at you like you're crazy. If you do it at a bar, or a club, they think you're trying to get into their pants (which sometimes yes. that is the case)

With the smart phones, and ipods, and all this fucking techbullshit. we're getting away from what really matters. Connections between people


sure we're all socially networking, from the phones we pay attention to instead of the road. The computers we use, instead of going out and seeing people.

its nice to know that steve just took a huge dump on his friends cat, but honestly, I'd prefer steve call me up laughing his ass off and  say "dude! come see what I just did!" instead of simply taking a few pictures and sending them.

Its all good though.

This is how I like to be.

I like the idea of being a throwback.
I like the idea of being the last person that truely gets what it is to be a stranger.
I like the idea of going to places where nobody knows my name, and changing that fact.
I like the idea of getting my heart broken
I like the idea of feeling something for once.
I like the idea that no matter what I do, nothing will really change.

Because when that happens, nothing I say or do really matters. I can be, as I am...
I can say all the right things
I can do all the right things
I can be all the right things.
and it really, honestly, truthfully, compleatly doesnt fucking matter.

Because Nobody. Nobody. Nobody. wants what is right, they want the wrong way.
The wrong path.

They want to get cold feet and run. They want to know that everything is going to be great, but freak out at the idea of something new and diffrent. They want to avoid feelings on the off chance they'll get hurt. They want to run, hide, avoid and dodge everything that has to do with really opening up. They'd rather do what they always do, see too many people, feel alone and scared, have 4 people they can call, that might make them feel better, but none that would really do anything of any good to help. They want that solitude.

I'm not sure why... but thats what I've found ***speaking generally***

Every single woman I've ever dated is this way. All of my female friends are this way. All of my male friends are this way. Maybe I think too much into it... but at the end of the day... Everyones a trackstar when it comes to the heart. The rabbit running the race, when slow and steady gets you to the same place, but its more scenic. you get to enjoy the company of others, sure it might not work... you may not win. But on the chance you do... its because you didn't run for once... you took your time and saw what the path really had to offer, instead of sprinting past it.

And so ends my rant... I feel tons better, especially knowing that anyone/everyone who reads this will for sure know I'm compleaty off my rocker now.


I'm surprisingly alright with that...

Drink up me-hearties. Yo-ho.

So this insomnia is getting to me.

I can feel the edge of the world. I can taste the salt spray of oblivion on my tongue as the waters fall to the abyss.  With each passing second I am reminded that time is trivial. Something invented to quell the hearts of men and try to feed order into chaos. The depths of understanding are wrong. Time is not linear. Time is non-existant.  We birthed time to suit our own needs. Always rushing always fighting for a few extra seconds of an existential existance.  When it is time that we need it is time that we kill.

The depths of understanding are topical at best. Fire is hot, so it burns. but matter can neither be created nor destroyed. Fire does not burn, it frees. The first understandable and useful form of plasma, creating a bridge between that which is solid and which is intangiable. Water, by deffinition is non-acidic. yet it takes a peace of everything it touches. with enough time water changes the whole world. erodes, scapes, slices, destroyes. The whole planet bends to its will. Everything living bends to its will.

How can two things change so much of the human understanding? Water, and time. Time and water. perhaps they are the same. Time is a fluid. like a puddle. We're not moving in a line but sinking through an ocean. We are the pebble dropped into the pond, though we do not know it. if the pond is deep enough eventually the pebble will erode away. Stop existaning for all extensive purposes. Bits might live on, lingering in the ebb and flow of the puddle. But the pebble is no longer whole, no longer what it was. The second it touches the water it slowly fades.

That is time. We are all pebbles sinking in a maddingly deep pond. longing for rest. We fall ever slowly through the puddle of time losing a bit of our selves every second and minute. the deeper we fall the less time we are whole.

Time is not a line, but an ocean.

The strongest force on the planet, changing everything it touches.

We're all drowning slowly, and we don't even know it.