You know I'm no good...Settle for a draw?

So red lights mean doors are secured.
Nothing is ever as simple as a stop sign
when did red become the color for no?
Red dress...
Red light
Hmm...

Don't tear me down like roger moore...
I keep thinking
About all these diffrent women from the past.
Somehow I cannot shake the feeling that after so many tries maybe I'm the one thats broken
like, fully, compleatly, ducttape no longer holding, kite string, superglue and cigarettes no longer fixing the problems. The deeper we dive the less air in our lungs and the richer the nitrogen gets. A breath of fresh air in a burning building. Trendy but tense, a black mark on your brand new converse, a broken lase on your rebok classics. its a funny thing. A ray of sunshine in a hole in a pich black cave. understanding in the most minimal of ways. I won't go anywhere from here... I cannot change this craft of which I have become. A table with 3 legs, a chair missing an armrest, a stool with mismached lengths on the legs. The running boards don't line up, the glaze has run, the pottery is chipped and the drawing is smudged. there is no fixing this problem. This is well beyond a patch job, the car cannot be fixed, break it down and sell it for scraps.

You cannot ask for a draw when the battles already lost.
The pretty little vistors with lies on their lips casualy speaking as everything goes up in flames.

I wan't to start a revolution, but its best to leave it all alone.

troublesome trepidation temptingly thought throughlly tonight. Twice taught, twas totally thoughtless.

I know I said I wasn't sad to see her go, but of course I was.

Oh but how good she looked on the dance floor... the lights, those eyes.
Cold as a knife,
warm like a furnace
I don't know what they were looking for.... but I could feel them size me up, spit me out and i'll be damned if she didn't know my lack of a soul... and if I could feel dispare I would have.




but its all good, its all alright.
Tonight I came alive.
Tonight I have the eyes of a saint
the tongue of the devil
and a mind like a curse.
I can be cold like a knife
hot like a stove
Watch as I walk this line
Never wobbling, ever closing
open to the changing.


If you don't want me to hate you... never show me your bed.
Temptation is a curse I cannot ever bring myself to hate.
I've given up on sparks.
I aim for lightening.

I'd go to heaven for the weather, but I went to hell to sell my soul. Everything I could ever be, and everything I am is diffrent than what anyone would expect. Never guessing, never wondering, simply acting. I can show the world fire, lightening, chaos, ice, wind and destruction, but never do I. I feel the drive of immortatlity. I can see inside, see exactly what I'm made of, and if I could be scared I'm sure I would be. But never the less, I thrive in the chaos. I don't break down, I don't stop, I neither faulter nor fail, flag, flail or come close to stopping.

The more you read this, the more you lose your grip on reality, the more my mind opens inside of yours...

Scared yet?

You fucking should be.
This horse cock loving bullshit of an existance is futile and thrilling. Eat healthy, Die. Exercise, Die. Worry, Die. Fight, Die. Fuck, Die. Cower, Die. The race ends in death. The path does not lead to salvation but damnation. The highway to hell is filled with stop and go traffic, and the pavment is made up of good intentions.

Drink up my friends, the end isn't changing.

Existintialism on Prom night?

So, I've recently found a semi-depressing band, but they're super upbeat about it hahaha...

with lines like 'heres to all the pretty words we'll never speak, and all the pretty girls you're going to meet'

I kind of like the idea of having depressing lyrics but an upbeat song...

The basic idea of having two diffrent tones to one song is trippy indeed... like a song thats scarry and happy at the same time, energentic and slow, slow and energetic...

like an acoustic song with vocals that don't quite mash up in the way you'd expect...

Thats what I've always loved about the blues. The blues having blues.

So I worked a long day today, and it was interesting, seemed to go by in no time flat... and I kind of like that.

I have tomorrow off and more things to do than I care to think about it...

its all the good that wont come out of it.

its in all how you mix the two.

There is this line between good and bad, sweet and sour, spicy and salty...

You'll never find the perfect mixture if you're looking for it... its all about random happistance. You cannot find the answer, the answer is the question,and the question?  the question is the road you take to find the answer.

My words are fading from my mind faster than I can leave them on this blank parchment, sending them scrolling across the screen and flying off into the infintismial abyss of the world wide web.

I feel like wasting my time is time well spent. I'd rather waste time with someone special than do the most productive things on the planet.

Sure I could cure world hunger and promote world peace, but... thats never been my style... I'd rather find infinantly bad ideas and act on them at the whim of nothing.  I'm thinking that when/if I get this new job... I'll start setting aside a fairly decent portion of each paycheck towards adventure.

I say adventure and not a destination because I won't even know what, when, or where. I'm thinking of a point on a map that doesnt exist.

note cards with ideas, mixed with dice that line up to activities. all things left to chance, perhaps thats how you find happiness in this world, let the universe decide...

As for the band?

Like a memory of what it felt like to burn.

I'm incompleate.

Everything feels numb, and hollow. Its the rush of air at your back while standing on the edge of a building. The feeling of falling when you're laying safe in bed. The crushing weight of sleep that never fully comes. Something that is fully intangeable and hard to explaine. A driving force that brings everything to the forefront. I know that the ocean is deep, but trying to understand is like trying to breathe life into a rock. Trying to grasp the sunlight. this is what I feel. This unfeelable force. This preasure all around me, baring down, burning away all that which is right and wrong and leaving a husk of driftwood, awash in a sea of emotion, under a sky of bloodred.


I know who I am. But who I am isn't what I know. I know who I was, who I can be, who I might be. I have thoughts and memories that are not mine. When I look back on my life, I wonder how much of it is really mine. Its like an episode from a favorite TV show... all the characters you know and love in a story thats all too familiar but it never feels real, and when it does, the real world feels some how less substantial.

I tried to be the one that everyone wanted me to be.
I tried to be better than what I ever could be.
I tried to be loved by everyone
Where has that gotten me?

I can feel myself ripping to pieces. I feel unsightly. I feel that the driftwood is slowly becoming smaller, sinking in this ocean of time. Washing in a sea of salt spray and tears. I am sick. I am free. I am trapped. I am lost. I am found. I am nothing. I am everything.

I seem to find myself cursing my reflection as I praise my form.

I am so terribly homesick for some one I have never known. I am miss the places I have never been. This ever changing landscape of trees, the forest cannot be seen from the mountain top. The sky obscured by the clouds. Unruffling thoughts meandering in a mind addled by loss of feeling.


I recently turned a new leaf. I reached another year of life. twenty four years and not a single accomplishment to call my own. Everything I have done I have done for others. I have never found the one thing I want. I have never found the place I feel truely myself.

5,4,3,2,1. I can feel myself burning from the inside out.
Spontanious combustion brings more warmth than dousing myself in gasoline.
Going down in flames. But enjoying the view as I fall from the top.

Fuck.
Shit.
Cock, and
Balls.
Can you drown in your own thoughts?

Can something be so good that its bad?
How quickly can medicine become poison?
Can the devil be a saint?

Only sinners can become better men.
Does that mean only angels and saints can fall?
What hope does that leave for a man of level ground?
When the worst can rise and the best can fall, is anywhere safe?
Is it safe to stay grounded?
Can that too not open up underneath someone and crumble away.


What happens when the bite is worse than the bark,
the sound doesnt scare, but the skin breaks under the teeth.
Wonton will and rages of anger that wonder endlessly.

I am a nomad, wondering in my own mind.

When I parrish, scatter my ashes on the 4 winds, into the 7 seas, and off the highest peaks.

Drink up me-hearties. Yo. Ho.

A return to being comfortably numb.

Well now!

What a week what a week. I've been stressed like nobodys buisness and it all finaly snapped lastnight. but I feel amazing today, compelatly free of all the things I was afraid of. It is nice to finally have answers when the thoughts keep you up at night.

So, as many of you know (all of the 3 or 4 people who ever actually read this drivil) I don't really feel much.

That might be why matters of the heart are always so much more daunting to me. I normally avoid feelings, of any sort, for the simple fact that life is easier when you really just don't care about anything.

See, when the strongest pain you can feel is a broken heart, all other things (which by comparison might seem bad to most, but non-existant to me) kind of make it an awaking feeling.

When you find someone you really like. That you really enjoy their company, and learning more about them, and their past, what makes them tick etc. Thats when things get sketchy. Seemingly thats when things go good, but never for me. See, I'm what you call the patron saint of lost causes. I always seem to get caught up on things I know will never happen but try my damndest anyway just on the .001% chance that things might go diffrently.

I'm a gambler by nature, and you can either play the odds or the long shot. One will let you win, over and over again... but to no real effect, or you can hold out, hoping to cash in on that massive payday that makes all the failed dice rolls seem meaningless because for once everything works out and it makes it.

Thats how I like to look at life. Everything is a dice roll, you might come up with a 2, 3 or 4... but every now and then you'll roll lucky and get that ever sought after 7 or 11. its not like flipping a coin where you get good odds. This is a 1/6 chance of doing well. I myself don't like 11... so its still a loss even if its a win. 7's the number for me.

7 is a lucky number, a winning number. I keep rolling these dice. time and again hoping for that 1/12 shot. Hoping i'll finaly strike paydirt. gold. black gold. Make all the countless other rolls seem pointless beyond measure.

Nevertheless it never quite happens. I would say I've been close, but that was a 6. I'll say I was damn close, but that was an 11. Good, but still not what I'm going for.

Things are never really what the seem. its all in perspective. They've got this sappy ass country song that was popular years ago... "God bless this broken road" or some bullshit, about how this guy basically got his feelings crushed over and over all until he met this one woman worth it all. That's what I'm going for now.

And eveyrtime I feel I've found it. Bam! Broken road. dead end. Fork. Bridge is out. yadda  yadda yadda. Bullshit.

I.A.B.

Its all bullshit.

These things we call relationships? they hardly ever work out. I know of 3 couples that are TRUELY happy. and they're from a diffrent era. Things don't work the way they used to. Now people are so caught up in the rat race it makes me a relic. I'm a people person, I enjoy being around others and knowing new people. I enjoy talking to strangers. Which makes me an outcast. If you talk to someone on the bus, they look at you like you're crazy. If you do it at a bar, or a club, they think you're trying to get into their pants (which sometimes yes. that is the case)

With the smart phones, and ipods, and all this fucking techbullshit. we're getting away from what really matters. Connections between people


sure we're all socially networking, from the phones we pay attention to instead of the road. The computers we use, instead of going out and seeing people.

its nice to know that steve just took a huge dump on his friends cat, but honestly, I'd prefer steve call me up laughing his ass off and  say "dude! come see what I just did!" instead of simply taking a few pictures and sending them.

Its all good though.

This is how I like to be.

I like the idea of being a throwback.
I like the idea of being the last person that truely gets what it is to be a stranger.
I like the idea of going to places where nobody knows my name, and changing that fact.
I like the idea of getting my heart broken
I like the idea of feeling something for once.
I like the idea that no matter what I do, nothing will really change.

Because when that happens, nothing I say or do really matters. I can be, as I am...
I can say all the right things
I can do all the right things
I can be all the right things.
and it really, honestly, truthfully, compleatly doesnt fucking matter.

Because Nobody. Nobody. Nobody. wants what is right, they want the wrong way.
The wrong path.

They want to get cold feet and run. They want to know that everything is going to be great, but freak out at the idea of something new and diffrent. They want to avoid feelings on the off chance they'll get hurt. They want to run, hide, avoid and dodge everything that has to do with really opening up. They'd rather do what they always do, see too many people, feel alone and scared, have 4 people they can call, that might make them feel better, but none that would really do anything of any good to help. They want that solitude.

I'm not sure why... but thats what I've found ***speaking generally***

Every single woman I've ever dated is this way. All of my female friends are this way. All of my male friends are this way. Maybe I think too much into it... but at the end of the day... Everyones a trackstar when it comes to the heart. The rabbit running the race, when slow and steady gets you to the same place, but its more scenic. you get to enjoy the company of others, sure it might not work... you may not win. But on the chance you do... its because you didn't run for once... you took your time and saw what the path really had to offer, instead of sprinting past it.

And so ends my rant... I feel tons better, especially knowing that anyone/everyone who reads this will for sure know I'm compleaty off my rocker now.


I'm surprisingly alright with that...

Drink up me-hearties. Yo-ho.

So this insomnia is getting to me.

I can feel the edge of the world. I can taste the salt spray of oblivion on my tongue as the waters fall to the abyss.  With each passing second I am reminded that time is trivial. Something invented to quell the hearts of men and try to feed order into chaos. The depths of understanding are wrong. Time is not linear. Time is non-existant.  We birthed time to suit our own needs. Always rushing always fighting for a few extra seconds of an existential existance.  When it is time that we need it is time that we kill.

The depths of understanding are topical at best. Fire is hot, so it burns. but matter can neither be created nor destroyed. Fire does not burn, it frees. The first understandable and useful form of plasma, creating a bridge between that which is solid and which is intangiable. Water, by deffinition is non-acidic. yet it takes a peace of everything it touches. with enough time water changes the whole world. erodes, scapes, slices, destroyes. The whole planet bends to its will. Everything living bends to its will.

How can two things change so much of the human understanding? Water, and time. Time and water. perhaps they are the same. Time is a fluid. like a puddle. We're not moving in a line but sinking through an ocean. We are the pebble dropped into the pond, though we do not know it. if the pond is deep enough eventually the pebble will erode away. Stop existaning for all extensive purposes. Bits might live on, lingering in the ebb and flow of the puddle. But the pebble is no longer whole, no longer what it was. The second it touches the water it slowly fades.

That is time. We are all pebbles sinking in a maddingly deep pond. longing for rest. We fall ever slowly through the puddle of time losing a bit of our selves every second and minute. the deeper we fall the less time we are whole.

Time is not a line, but an ocean.

The strongest force on the planet, changing everything it touches.

We're all drowning slowly, and we don't even know it.

The lies that blind us are the truths that bind us.

So, I know its been quite a long time since I've posted on this evil ass son of a bitch, but to be totally fair, my laptop crapped out on me and as such I was left with no real option for ranting about my feelings to anyone... especially the wide world of the internet.


Blogosphere of doom and what have you not.

So to say a lot has happened in the last few months (about 2, give or take) would be a gross missrepresentation of the truth. damn near fallicy.

I've made friends, lost friends. Had people I thought were friends. had people I thought hated me turn out to like me, people I thought liked me actually hate me, and all in all its been a wonderous little adventure. You live each day as if it is going to be your last and love every single second of it. Never look back, never give up, never surrender. Live like you're dying, because in all honesty... you are.

Today my brother posted something on his FB about "today is the first day of the rest of your life" well... thats hauntyingly over used, and all too familiar as well. To be honest, yesterday was the last day of your life, and eventually the last day of your life will be a yesterday, weather or not you;'re still kicking ot see it.


So, all in all these always end up being about women, and for anyone reading, I apologize profusely for that... Just... I'm a romantic at heart and tend to fall in and out of live with the best and worst of them. The newest being damn near perfect (They say nobody is perfect, but if she has a flaw I've yet to notice it...)

Anyhow, nevertheless and what have you not.

There is a woman, she's tall, gorgeous, brown/red hair, the most stunning eyes I've ever seen and for all intensive purposes... I believe she truely likes me... (though aside from specific parts of my physical body, I cannot fathom why)

And as such I'm fairly happy with the world and life as I know it. Works a drag (I fully expect to be saying that well past the day of my demise) my friends are scarece (have been since we all started dating and working though... because we are never single at the same time, thus never have enough time between school, work and dating to hang out) Though I have talked a few of them into a night at the bars, ,to catch up, be what we were years ago and relax. .

So for a night/afternoon I will get to sit and think of days gone by, when life was simple, responsibilty was nill, and everything went according to plan. Oh how that plan as strayed, faulted, detoured and changed over the past two months.

Again, right now I have 3 things going for me....

I have a fairly decent job, with people that (for the most part) I enjoy being around.
I have good friends, that no matter what, when or where I know will be there.
and I've got hope.
Granted this hope is in the form of a stunningly beautiful (way out of my league) woman, who
if she ever read this would probably think I'm bat shit crazy...

but yes. I like her.
I like her a whole hell of a lot.
To the point I honestly don't want anyone else. Not even the one that I thought was the love of my life.
The sex is beyond amazing (Best. I. Have. Ever. Had.) And from what I hear she talks about me all the time.

I don't see how a fucked up, cursed, damned and all together horrible soul of a person could ever be this happy. Somethings about to happen to fuck it up. Damned if I'm not sure of it.

I've sinned far too much in this life to find peace.

My new name is Tien. It means candle in Thai. its a symbol of light, and hope in buddhisim.
Perhaps this woman can be my lifght, my home and my salvation.

All I know is that all of my scars remind me of days gone by, times that I have been less than savory and I wonder if people really ever do truely change. even if only 1 in every 1000 change... can I be that one? Can I leave these demons behind me and hope for something better? or should I just curse myself into hermitude, perhaps through myself into work as I have so many times before dissapear for days, weeks, months, years. Sever all ties that bind?

when I'm around here, I feel like a better man, I sleep without the dreams of what has been, and I wish to be even better still for her.

18 days till the day I either die, or celebrate another year of life.

Drink up me hearties (I know I shall)

Yo. Ho.

WHAAAAAATTHEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKK

Ahh... well, My world is interesting to say the least...

Apparently they're coming out with new 3-D phones eventually...

I just imagine a lot of dumb people freaking out over this... driving down the road, look at their phone 'ZOMG TIGER111~!!!1!!11!" and then they die by exploding or something random...

that would not be cool...

But then again... the way it all goes about, I would imagine that everythings pretty twisted... say, if you're attacked by a lion while out and about in the wild, survival of the fittest, if they kill ya... well thats Darwinisim at work...

Anyway, so I've kinda been dating this woman, she's pretty much awesome HOWEVER, I could very well be barking up the wrong tree...

Or I could end up with two significant others... both of which is messed up...

but oh well, if it happens it happens... if not it doesnt... either way... oh well...

Alright time for a Starbucks run...

also, I'll try to write more... instead of being dead tired all the time hahaha...

All sails at full, Forward into the dawn!

So, I've been spending a lot of time with a new woman
I won't lie, she's pretty much amazing... Granted things could be better
but there are a lot of underlying difficulties in every new venture of life

as it is though I'm rather happy with how things are progressing.

OH MY GAWDS... I do belive the cold is starting to dissapear some
granted it was 9 below today... to the point the water in my beard from my shower totally FROZE while still on my face, that was interesting.

Anyhow, cold.

going away.

going to be in the 50s and 60s this week, which sounds pretty much like heaven.

sounds great.

Tomorrow I have a group dinner, should be nice.

Me, the girl I'm into... and two of her friends.

I look forward to it...
I'll keep ya'll posted.

I'll let a coin toss figure it out.

I did that mind you, I had two items, very similar that I was thinking of buying. Pulled out a coin and flipped that bitch.

Head Item A, Tails, Item B.

Totally worked too. I think I got the best, simply becasue the universe decided.

Anyway. I like that.
I'm going to start using that far more often.

From now on all important ideas are going to be left to fate. You cannot go wrong with that.

Now I've just gotta get a lucky coin, say... not a quarter, or... well nothing of real monitary value, that'd be too easy to spend on accident. Something that I can carry around all the time, so say slightly larger than a quarter, but not too big.

Random thought, I've joined this thing called Camfrog.

its like a host of webcams for chat, and video chat.

they've even got video chatrooms.

So yeah its kinda like omegal or chatrullet.

Though, more often there are women than those two.

And speaking of women, I've met a rather nice one, that I actually like. Dinner with her friday night, should be interesting.

Hopefully all goes well.

Well see though.

So I've decided I super dislike drunk people.
not all drunk people.
but random drunk people

I feel like outfitting porcupines with tabasco sauce filled quills (cause those fuckers be hollow) then lobbing said porcupine into the drunk bastards cars, after of course loading the sumbitch up with like pcp...

a pcp addled, tabasco infused porcupine attack

PCPTIPA

So my cock loving best friend T. is totally not talking to me right now.
not out of anger mind you, or anything... but the motherfucker is just too damn busy.
we had a plan to write an epic blog to beat all blogs senseless, drag them back to the blog cave, and then make blog on blog lurvin to. (yes i totally just said lurvin, I'm avoiding all use of the other L word in every form until I don't feel like the universe is trying to destroy me)

Anyway yeah... it was suposed to be brobdignagian (look it up bitches yes its a word) however now it is looking less and less likely

I should set him on fire.

That'd be mean, and funny...

I swear to god that orphanage attacked me first, it was self defence...
however the nunery was totally an act of passion

My boss made some kind of comment about seeing me with a catholic priest on the internet, I slapped him so hard he lost a tooth.

I AM NOT on the net. nor have I ever been filmed with anybody.

infact, I don't think I have a single home video from growing up... is that sad?

Not many photos either... I feel like sometimes in the movies when they're like adopted or something, and nobody tells them  but they always had that gut feeling...

yeah nothing like that...

I feel more like perhaps I just woke up today and its the first day of my life.

How fucked up would that be? no real feeling of past, and everything is so fresh there is no feeling of future either?

maybe thats how dogs are. They don't remember yesterday, cannot think of tomorrow, its simply now now now.

Ugh I don't wanna work tonight...

and its suposed to fucking snow (again)

hope that doesnt mess up friday nights date. (BTW: she totally has my blog info, so I cannot say things like she is SUPER hot, and I've got a huge crush on her... cause then she'll see it and shit could get real akward real fast. )

fuck.

just ruined that...
oh well, i've gone too far to erase it...

DRINK UP ME HEARTIES. Yo. Ho.

Another one bites the dust.

So, Doctor Who is pretty much amazing.

Its a few days from another depressing valentines day... lovely isnt it?

Tomorrow apparently is EPIC PIZZA DAY! I need to play my guitar more too, I love it and it's getting quite better sounding.

So we're supposed to get a ton of snow tomorrow, its superbowl sunday, and I'm really running out of random thoughs..

I've found that I want to go somewhere warm, I'm thinking my springbreak I'll take my paid Vacation from work and totally go somewhere tropical..

Maybe by springbreak I'll have even found a beautiful woman to go with me haha...

Low and behold it seems to be hard to find one to stick around, but at the same time they're what you say... a dime a dozen?

and here I am lacking a dime.

haha...

All things considered though I couldn't be much happier with life in general. working plenty, not broke, good friends good times, over my cold.


Yup. another day down and about to start work.

Drink up me hearties, yo-ho.

So, if its not 1 thing, its 20...

Cest la vie...

So... Baccon is the chocolate of meats...

And life is never as easy as we imaigne it to be...

I try to be a good person, but every damn time I see that shining white light, the arrow that says "this is the right path:" something always gets in the way.

Or its like a bridge, and where you need to be is the other side, yet Gandalf is on the bridge, all pissed off, beard flying everywhere yellling "You shall not pass"

yeah, thats my life path.

Granted that'd totally be making me a giant demon of fire... which I guess sometimes I'm not exactly a saint... but demon of fire? Eh... I guess its about as close as anything else...

Anyway, yeah... So don't fall for women. Don't do it. It'll only leave you more jacked up than you know. Cut out the heart. The root of the problem, Nobody needs that shit anyone.

Thats what I'm doing.

I mean shit.

By the way, yeah thats like the first 3 things... still sick. (that sucks.)
Women drive me crazy (thats a given)
Nothing ever seems to go right (thats life)

What can I say? Sometimes I think I should have learned by now.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaagh...

Reason I hate getting sick.

1. it happens very rarely
2. when it does happen it super super bad
3. I hate taking cold meds
4. it is always ALWAYS on an important day
5. its weird feeling cold.
6. I dunno...

So yeah, lastnight at work my cough  I'd been fighting got progressivly worse, as well as fever, chills, aches yada yada yada... and so when I finally got off work (almost 2 hours after when I was supposed to) I nearly died from shivering out in my car while i waited for it to heat up (which never really happened... damn -9* lastnight...

I get to my aparmtent, and lucky for me I have a daisy space heater, she climbed right up on top of my blankets and they isntantly felt warm... after that I was actually able to curl up and pass out for a while

Weird ass dreams to follow.

Anyway, after all that, I've got a date today... I'm feeling probably just as bad, maybe a TINY bit better, but I've not any cold meds in me just yet, so soon as I take some of those I'm sure to be much more like my normal loveable awesome self...


fucking colds.... blah

Frosty the Snow Zeus God of Underpants!

So, if trees screamed... would be be so offhanded about chopping the bastards down? I think we might, you know... if they say.. screamed all the damn time, for no blood reason?  man that would make hunting easier... and probably a little bit more disturbing.

I mean, Deer and the likes would be a ton less skittish, but then BAMN outta no where you've got a giant grizly bear sodimizing your pray... Thats what they do right? they live off the pain and anguish of other animals?

or is that G.W. Bush?

I always get the two confused...


So, I got rid of the handlebar mustache in favor of going to just my normal angular beard cut again... Frankly I liked the waxxed mustache too much. I mean hoenstly, when you sit there twiddling your stash for 10-15 min on end snearing at people in the mall, caclking like snidly whiplash all while dressed in  a top hat, monical, lepard print manthong bow-tie, walking cain and fancy shoes...

yeah, thats when its time to trim the stache.

So... I want to start a pirate school. Like you all remember that old movie, the princess bride? The Dread Pirate Roberts (played by Carey Ewles? ) was totally into swashbucling and what not...

that'd be one hell of an awsome school. teach people to fight with swords and all that good stuff, then eventually I think the final should be like a huge sword fight, follwed by laughing, then jumping off of something.

-Isntant A-

So the 80s apparently were pretty much cocaine infused technocolor kung-fu fighting.

Except John Cusack... he was sad depressed, standing out in the rain with a boombox.

Fuck, I fucking miss boomboxes... Used to be everyone walked around with their muisic on their shoulder, and everyone could hear and be like 'oh, that douche likes creed! haha! loser" but now its all secret with ipods and stuff... so you have to wait for the guy to get all into the music, like at the gym and throw open his hands and be all like "WITH ARMS WIDE OPEN-AH" and then be all  like " oh man, look at that douche over there totally rocking the invisibal powerbalad to creed... fucking tool"

So, I've been cooped up for like 48 hours now, due to an assload of fucking snow.

I wanted to build a snowman army, but decided that my time would be better spent sleeping, especially considering they'd all be looking for Kyle.

Oh,and I've been talking to this WONDERFUL woman... she's pretty much the cats meow, bees knees, pretty pimp, won't lie...

I guess if you see my shit get all emo, and like 'fuck you in the mother fucking neck cupid' and crazy bullshit like that, it'd be safe to assume things did not go swimmingly.

Holy sweet frozen nipples of a stripper!!

Its BEYOND cold...

like,  8 degrees... Holy shyte its cold...


I think thats the HIGH for today, wtf winter... wtf.
Here I was thinking 3 days ago that its finally warmed up, springs on its way, sat out in the sun at the park for like 4 hours, in a t-shirt and jeans enjoying 70 degree weather and reading a book...


Low and behold, it is now getting to -9 and we have OVER  a foot of damn snow... wtf... seriouly wtf...

So I wanted to get something from the gas station, now I highly doubt they're open but on the off chance they are, do I really want to brave it for a giant sprite? let alone EVERYTHING else thats going on? I'd hate to be a mailman today, having to actually work (oh yeah, hell totally froze over, cause  my job is CLOSED?!?! FOR THE DAY?!?! that shit NEVER happens, I mean in the last year its been... Christmas... that was it. Wasn't really expecting that...

Much the same way most people didn't expect VanHalen to be so awseome, up until they lost Roth....Not important though... Classes are closed, I'm pretty sure damn near everything is closed, I'm wondering wtf to do with all this new found free time, in which I cannot go anywhere or do anything...


At least if I get thirsty and the water runs out I can start melting snow, that'd be easy enough (not sure why everyone freaked out and bought bottled water at walmart yesterday, but now I'm kind of wishing I'd done the same hahaha... no.. not really, I am just bored and don't want to be here. Though lucky for me I slept most of the day away and now things are going splendid. I feel great actually...


All nighter + working over + 12 hours of sleep = happy medium.

Don't drink the frozen grogg...

PEPPERS!!!

So, I pulled an all nighter lastnight, but I was SUPER productive today instead of sleeping, from say when I got off work till, whenever.

Instead, went to campus, got everything taken care of smoothly for classes, books etc.

Then I filed my taxes (which, SURPRISE not a lot of money... blah)

Then went shopping for food (which walmart is epicly crazy busy due to the like 12-20 inches of snow we're supposed to get... Winterwonderlandfuckingbullshit

Anyway, cooked dinner for Mel, Nicole, Abby, and all the wee ones, was pretty much the best stuffed peppers I've ever made

Now, I've about 50 minutes till work, been up longer than I care to remember *guzzles more monster*

You know, I'm not really a fan of monster... but the B.F.C. was calling my name, I figure if that much pure energy cannot keep me awake, I might as well curl up into a ball now and die.


So with this crazy weather... this might TOTALLY be my last post for a while (depends on power/internet/surviving the night)

Anyway...  Hopefully all ends well.

Drink up me hearties. Yo-ho.

Into the wee hours.

So, I've been watching  living, the joys of newish BBC television.  I just finished Robin Hood season 3, and I must say well written, acted and directed... It wasn't at all what I was expecting though all together I would say it was quite well undertaken.

Now, I'm starting the first season of Doctor Who, I'm not sure yet how I feel about a show that only into its 5th season has already changed main characters. (well, actors anyhow)

So far, its rather campy, hillarious, and perhaps even worth while. I never rarely sleep so catching up to the series might be alltogether enjoyable. (Netflix is pretty much consuming all of my sleep time.

Random note: after hunting down guitar picks... polishing up my Austin and re-fitting it with a brand new battery for the tuner. I can say it looks as polished and wonderful as the day I got it (random fact in the random note, one of THE BEST christmas presents I've ever gotten, and my pops has WONDERFUL taste in musical instruments.)

Also, I realized that I desperatnly need new Guitar strings...  These are pretty much rusted to the point of them not really sounding quite right (though it is in tune) Might go with lighter ones this time... I do belive the heavy ones, while richer in sound, might be a bit difficult to play till I get back into it... perhaps a month or two from now when my hands are stronger again.



"By the way, I'm a Doctor... Nice to meet you, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"  pretty much hillarious already.

I need to go to the gym also...
But not sleeping/eating + working out... I'll start looking like one of the crazy cast membors from Survior... Perhaps "Survivor FastFood" would end up with too many of them people following it up with "Biggest Loser"

Next time I'm in walmart followed by people, I'm totally going to use a Doctor Who quote for one of those tabloid magazines "Huh, that won't work... He's gay, and shes and Alien"

I'm pretty sure they'll look at me rather strangly.

but it is walmart, no chance that'll even be the oddest thing to have them see that day/week/month.

probably even in the hour they'll have someone dressed like Baby Spice..

fuck that was a longass time ago... I only liked Posh and Sporty... Couldn't stand the songs, but put that shit on mute and I was a happy 15 year old.

Drink up me hearties  Yo-Ho

2 hours. 6 pages. 1000 thoughts. MT + Me = Insanity.

What's the deal with little Debbie?

I mean come-on … bitch has been here since my grandpa was young…

She's been here for like… fuckin ever...

And she's still little?

What the flying fuck?

Is it like that Gerry Colman shit? Cause… he looks like shit anyway

He made all that money, and now he is a security guard?

Seriously?

It's like what happened the MC hammer....fuckin dumb ass Hahaha

I wouldn't be scared of Gerry Colman... in fact I'd just kick him in the neck… be all like

FUCK YOU IN THE NECK… MOTHERFUCKER.

Ya never hear about all that many child stars…

Unless… ya know… it's like some kinda hott white jail bate…

Like…

Ehh…

That guy from the 90s… the one with the faggy hart song…

His daughter is like 14… or some shit… and…

I would so go to jail for that… seriously…

Like no joke…

And what is it with chicks and knowing they're hott, but then when you compliment or something, they get all pissy like 'omg… why did you just say that?'

And im like...

"what… since when is it wrong to say I want to cover you in baby oil and butter and make an odd polish sausage dish?"

When the hell did that become NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT?

I can't have my cultural differences? Granted im nether polish....nor a pedo…

And what's the big deal with binge drinking?

I mean... they drink till they can't feel feelings…

Because they don't like their feelings… since when is self destruction a crime?

And I'll tell ya… a wise man once wore a shirt…

Yeah…

And that shirt?

It so totally said "an awkward morning… beats a boring night" BAHAH

And it's so true…

"Uh… hi… I don't know you… but apparently we slept together… and… just for the record, I was totally amazing, and you will recommend me to all of your attractive female friends… now get the fuck out of my bed"

Umm umm… shit… who names those crème filled sugary delights…

Such as Twinkie?

Seriously… I thought Twinkie was some kinda of porn move involving a rolled up newspaper and a yard of bubble tape… Ya remember that shit?

And big league chew… seriously… Zebra Gum… though, to be honest

I never liked any of the zebra gum… it kinda tasted like Richard Gears career for the past 10 years…

Yeah… shit…

But hostess… look at the names

Ho hos…

Ding dongs…

Susie Q's..

Twinkie…

Moon pie…

Susie Q was a Ho Ho, she Twinkie My Ding Dong, and I left her with a big cream filled moon pie…

Anyone been to popeyes chicken lately?

I have....AHAHHAHAHAH BITCHES…

I found one of the few popeyies chicken that ISNT in the ghetto…

Ok so I lied… it is…

But I've got this weird hall pass or some shit

Like, ya know how there is always a house in a neighborhood that nobody fucks with? Yeah that's my house… because me and my room mate will yell scream and cuss at the top of our lungs, while in the front yard at midnight…

Fuckin grass needs to know when we are pissed off it should stop growing… bitch grass, no wonder …

Fucking hood…

Yeah, I live in the Springfield ghetto… its hard core up in this Biznatch…

This oddly enough is the soon to be released Little Debbie treat… Biznatch…

I'm a firm believer that the Mormons and telemarketers are in cahoots…

The teles come in the night… like ninja... only with loud trumpeting phones and weird questions and taunts about long-distance providers and sexual orientation...

Or am I the only one that keeps getting the Indian bastards that seem to have learned their English from homo-erotic films and bad Middle Eastern boy George covers?

And ring tones…

If you have a dumb ring tone… and you're in a public place…

You should be slapped, by every single person there...

And if you're phone goes off in a movie and you have something about Jesus or country music blasting up...

You might as well go kill yourself now… before I hunt you down and bludgeon you with a lead filled sock puppet named "prison pal Pete"

Pete doesn't like shit he don't understand.

This brings me to my next point…

Don't smoke crack…

No… seriously… doesn't fuckin do it…

Forget nice! Don't! Just say … macabre…

Back on track… Who do you think thought up the sock full of nickels thing? That's pretty fucking ingenious… I mean... soap and sock yeah… but nickels? That's… that's different...

That's using money in a whole new way… and I like it

Who names all these fuckin roads too…? I mean… if you got any city with a black man... there is a Martin Luther King Jr. Road… and trust me motherfucker… you DON'T EVER want to be there… you'll get more bullets in your ass and have more holes than the ass hole day parade…

And yes…

They have an asshole day parade…

It's in New Jersey…

I think…

Something to off set the smell….

This reminds me of old tube socks… dirty locker rooms, prostitutes and failure at life…

Now then… truckers… who do they think they are?

I think they're over compensating…

I mean... 18 wheels…

Flannel…

Overweight…

And wearing something underneath that reminds me of that odd movie with that one guy…

Rocky Horror Picture show…

Fuck…

Sometimes in life…

You just have to take a moment…

Look around the preschool, nunnery, Wal-Mart… or church… look at the sky… give it the finger… and shout

Fuck you evil day ball! And stare at the sun till everyone around freaks out enough… because you're wearing goggles, a snorkel, and have 6lbs of spaghetti stuffed into your overcoat…

Which reminds me…

Yo baby… You ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?

Shit yeah…

Man… that nun was pissed…

Annnnyway…..

What is it with names for kids these days…?

Someone recently said they wanted to name their kid Mastodon…

I hope he has Down syndrome… and a really really big nose…

Now… Trajen... now that's a name…

TRANJEN MAN!

He doesn't need condoms! He is one!

Piney creek… odd place… odder people… some smell like New Jersey…

And you already know how I feel about NJ…

Ya wanna know a cool animal?

An otter…

Floating down the river, with a rock on his chest…

And if I had an otter, I'd name him Kyle Mankowitze Ruler of the Moon.

And nick name him bawls.

Which brings me to my next point…

Otter pops…

That shit aint been around since I don't know when…

Fuck…

Yeah….

That's right… I fucking brought that shit up…

Otter pops…

Bitches…

Why in every teen movie is there a wise janitor … fuck… I can't spell janitor…

Oh well…

Fuck it…

Why and why does he give sage like advice… and the kids take it… and it somehow makes their lives, and the people around them have better lives…

I mean... if he is going around cleaning up shit and puke and god knows what else all day…

The only advice I would take from him is… what NOT to do with a career in medial science…

I mean come on Dr. McPlungerRaiderOveralls… living in a box cleaning up shit… just don't seem like the way to spend your life…

Unless you're Mexican…

Sure the zambonie buffer looks fun as all hell... and I'd so bang a chick in the boiler room…

But fuck… if he is so wise, and sage like… why is he cleaning up after those little bastards and not writing a self help book to… well… help those little bastards and make about 20,000,000$

My foot is numb…

CAKED FLAVORED ICECREAM AND ICECREAM CAKE…

What the fuck is the fuckin difference...

Clearly one is not cake

And the other sure as fuck isn't ice-cream…

Why do they lie to us?

What makes them so special that they can pretend to be something that they are not…

Somebody should just tell them its ook to be ice cream… or cake…

Like the wise janitor…

Where was he when the fucking genius marketing team of Bennie the super dog came up with those bright ass ideas…?

And is it just me or does anyone else ever put the hyphen in the wrong place…

Someone will say 'look at that sweet-ass car…'

Only… I hear… "Look at that sweet,  Ass-car" and then I'm looking for something that looks like a bum…

I dunno… it's a confusing day. my foot is still numb

And damn it my back legs shoulder and butt hurt…

Stupid small ass crampt truck…

I'm a fuck its gas tank up… with drain-o bitches… hells yeah…

Now my car… is slow

I plan to rub cheetah blood on the engine…

That'll get her going

The burn means its working…

Unless it burns when you pee…

Then it just means you fucked up and she was dirty…

Even if she was hott and did that wild thing with her tongue…

Hahaha

Poor mike…

I want a motor cycle…

I road a woman like a bull once… it was the best 8 seconds of her life…

Though she did try to stab me afterwards…

Which made me think a lot of that one movie…

Urban cowboy…

Why John Travolta… Why?

I'll tell ya why… because playing Redneck, is a lot cooler than Being redneck…

I like a girl with caked on makeup,

In the sunshine, smoking cigarettes to pass the time away…

What's with the old people with no hair wearing night caps…

Or night caps in general…

I mean… I've seen some old peoples hair… that is safer than standard Nascar racing helmets…

And there is a fuckin pointless exercise of the human existence…

Nascar…

I refuse to watch that shit… I cant fucking stand that shit…

"It's a sport!?" FUCK THAT… if that's a sport, then so is my 2 hour commute from Springfield to Sullivan…

He sits in a fucking car… and drives…

"you couldn't do it!" fuck that.. give me a car that goes that fast and I'll fuckin drive in circles… shit yeah… that's hard… left turn… left turn… left turn.. left turn… wait.. pit stop for gas, beer and chew…OH … and trucker hats…

Left turn… left turn… left turn… oh fuck this shit… right turn…

Shit… hit a wall and killed Dale Earnhart… whatever one is left….

My dog smells like doritos… and I am confused…

And my feet are still numb…

Left turn…

Bahahaha

Insert blaspheming comment…

I'm the new jesus…

Dying for sins?

He didn't die for mine… I'll make other people die for my sins…

Or maybe my sins are the other people dying…

I wanna see a knife fight in an orphanage…

Not even the orphans… like… the nuns or something

Or who ever it is watching the kids…

Killing each other cause the SUPER smelly kid just shit his pants… and nobody can even think about helping him

Hott sex…

Man… that'd be nice…

Haven't had that in a while haha…

But CJ… why an orphanage knife fight?

Why not…

Now… show me your boobs…

ONE MORE TIME!

What was that song about…

What are they celebrating about?

 Oh you all know the song

Daft punk…

Great song…

"ONE MORE TIME…

WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE

OHH YEAH

ALL RIGHT

DON'T STOP THE DANCING

ONE MORE TIME

WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE

OHH YEAH

ALL RIGHT

DON'T STOP THE DANCING

ONE MORE TIME…

OHH YEAH…

ONE MORE TIME"

Insert catchy disco background techno beat and you've got a hit…

Hell… re-mix it again and ya got 2…

Maybe even 2.5

Mmmmmmmmm

YA KNOW IM JUST FEELING

CELEBRATION… TONIGHT

CELBRATE

DON'T WAIT TOO LATE

MMMMMMMMMMM

Another one…

WE DON’T STOP AHHH

YOU CANT STOP AHH

WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE

ONE MORE TIME…

ONE MORE TIME!

ONE MORE TIME…

A celebration

You know we're gonna do it right ahh

Tonight ahh

This feeling…

This music's got me feeling a beat

The beat

Yeahh..

Come on

All right…

WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE

CELEBRATE AND DANCE FOR FREE

MUSICS GOT ME FEELIN SO FREE

WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE

CELEBRATE AND DANCE FOR  FREE

MUSICS GOT ME FEELINS SO FREE

CELEBRATE AND DANCE FOR FREE

MUSICS GOT ME FEELIN SO FREE

WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE

ALL RIGHT

OHH YEAH…

ONE MORE TIME

WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE

OHH YEAH

ALL RIGHT

DON'T STOP THE DANCING.

That's like…

A song for the ages…

They're from Paris I believe…

Daft punk…

Hells yeah…

On a side note… if you dance while driving,

And blare techno music

People will look at you funny

Sure… I swerved a bit…

But that's just all apart of the groove..

This has been the end all beat all blog of doom…

I mean.. I don't know exactly how long I've been doin this…

But…

1.75 hours…

Yeah… almost two hours of blog doom-age…

Its… pretty much amazing

I should get like…

A congressional medal of honor…

And it should mean free beer for life…

And I mean come on… if you get a medal of honor… that's basically like a  big neon sign that says 'hey… blow me!!" to hott women..

Or at least that's what I hear…

Ya know... out on the street

H-town fool

You know how we do.

We haven't had that sprit here since 1969…

OPEN THE DOOR YOU FUCKIN WHORE… IT'S GOD DAMN BARNICAL BILL…

Odd night... oh god that was an odd night…

I'mma star drumming soon… and melt peoples face off with double bass from hell.

Hospital…

Next right

LEFT TURN…

Hahahahahah

Tricked your ass…  It'd be funny if a NASCAR driver didn't have a driving license… that'd be the kind of things that real dreams are made of…

So… a waitress called me honey butter once… it was odd… but I enjoyed it… and my dog is sitting on my feet…

And she still smells like Doritos… ohm wells..

That's enough for now… I'm tired..

And I'm sure most of you are already done reading it… Hahaha

See... It works like this, because I fucking say so.

So every now and then we all reach this point, this point of proverbial no return. It's a dark and hollow feeling, like the pit of your soul is slowly becoming a collapsed star. The epitome of bright warm sunshiny feelings have died and turned into the void space of a black hole sucking up everything within light years slowly but surely. It's at this point that true freedom can be grasped. The freedom from the mortal restraints that bind most beings. The freedom from fear, hunger, pain and most importantly the freedom from love.  Normally when we reach this point there is an epiphany manifestation which draws life into focus. With a purpose, even a false purpose, life becomes easier. The day to day seems less of a struggle when things have order, control, and direction.  At this crossroads though you must make a choice, do you tread lightly on the line between salvation and seek redemption or should you forever cast your heart into the abyss which follows the sought after power and freedom... You see, it is this point which people see and fear. They take drugs, talk to councilors, undergo shock treatment, lock themselves up and self medicate. I however seem to draw on it as a form of inspiration, in this befuddled of moods do come my grandest ideas. Life is but a string of memories, one after another joined together by key points, much as a term paper is written. The key ideas are outlined and backed, the rest can be total bullshit yet in the end everything is roughly the same, it's over.

            So with that inspirational thought out of the way, I'm going to begin something I had wished to do years ago, thought I may be crude, misguided and a bit selfish, I condone my self gratification for the sheer fact that it seems to be the only thing that's keeping me alive. 

            Oh how the moods do swing. Perhaps the changing of days, the loss of direction or general apathy granted to me out of a lack of conscious awareness or general care for well being have brought about some miraculous things. Although I use the word miraculous loosely and a bit askew from its preferable status, I find it amazing how my brain seems to jump from subject to subject never truly slowing, stopping or even pausing for the thoughts, ideas and general riff raff of information to settle.  I lay here in the dark at 5:10 AM. With self loathing and general anesthetic setting in. Is this what I'm here for? To question my worth, to see the nights change to day over a skyline I know all too well? I used to sleep once, when I was younger I was care free, no fear of death, no fear of dying. Nothing held me back and nothing held me together, perhaps it was this upbringing which did such damage.  I cannot seem to live as I see others do so frequently, something in life seems wrong; something in it seems misguided, mishandled and misrepresented. I hear too much of vacations, and not enough of adventure. My greatest dream has never been wealth, not even close, I dream of purpose, a quest, a calling, a call to greatness, nay a call at all. The day to day tedium draws out lifeblood into my palms, and with each drop I see fall I hear my soul cry out for more. I see not the ways of men, but the ways of honor, I hear not the call to riches but the call to glory and feel not for the coming of winter, but the coming of adventure.  It is with these thoughts that I do stay up at night, the contemplations never ceasing to work and always forging a new breed. 

            It is with that, I would like to start my own adventure, I wish that I could do so actually, never the less I shall begin my adventure the only way I see fitting, in the recesses of my mind, produced and directed by yours truly and conducted on the big screen of the imagination.

A look back. Sometimes a lack of sleep works wonders.

We often delude ourselves, don't we?

Nothing is ever what it really seems, or if it is… we never believe it.

People are foolish. They either believe what you tell them, because they want it to be true.

Or because they fear it is…

There is one thing I know…

I know what I have control over,

And what I don't….

But none the less I find myself day in and day out slamming my head against the proverbial wall in countless failed attempts to break through

But the jokes on the wall… Every slam brings a fresh crack to the bindings that separate.

Water cuts a swath through earth given enough time. Boulders become pebbles to its madness, mountains wither and crumble from the wind and rain… All things are possible given enough time.

But time is kind of fickle… Everyone says 'it seems like only yesterday'… but what happens when you start losing grasp of when yesterday was…

I see three types of people… Those who look forward, Those who look backwards, and those who enjoy the moment… I'm still not sure which I am… Some days I look forward with hope, back with pride and around with joy… others I have trouble remembering, planning or thinking. Is that strange at all?

Anyway… I've been reading an exponential amount lately, mostly my same old kind of stories… You know, the dragons, swords, beautiful women being wooed by heroic deeds… I know its rather geeky, but hey… How many other people in this day and age really read because they enjoy it? I figure… why not… it's a calming escape….

And it slows down the random thoughts and replaces them with far off places that I'd never otherwise imagine or see, things I'd never get to do and feats I could never accomplish…

Nevertheless, I sometimes seem too find too much of myself in the characters, which is neither good nor bad I assume… but strange.

Have you ever gone back and re-read a book, maybe a month later, year later, 10 years… Was it the same book? Or did you notice new things, feel different from events, have any changes in opinion to what was happening? I know that it happens to me frequently…

You can never read the same book twice…

I was told that once

I didn't really understand at the time… but I think I get it now

Every book you read, you respond to it… they pull emotions and bits of your soul out, and lay them on the page for you to view them better… they change your mind dealing with experiences you've had, actions and things you've witnessed… but once you finish the book, time continues.

In a month, you've had new life experiences, new things have happened, new moods and emotions and new thoughts… if you were to go back and read the book again, it would be the same story viewed by different eyes…

Thus…

You can never read the same book twice…

It's a nice little thought about life as well… You can never be the same person twice, enjoy the same day twice, be who you are now… twice.

Drink up me hardies… Yo-Ho